Nihilitarianism

This is what I've been waiting for. All the desires have been pursued, and what is left is void. Now it's time to find out if I'm ready for it. As always I'll be faced with a choice, whether I accept or repress. My mind wanders across my whole life, but it's drawn most to the other moments when I opened up to the same void that now joins them with the current, and now as these moments coalesce to pervade every time in my life, they tear my entire life open and lay it bare.
Looking back, they were always moments when I was faced with the meaninglessness of society. What was it trying to tell me? Nothing — but that nothing was the only thing through which I could transcend it all. All the neurons I wouldn't use for something meaningless instead took on a life of their own: without anything else to do, they began to hum, and the humming became singing, and I never knew where the song came from or what it meant: it was just a wordless resonation.
But I keep asking what I'm supposed to do with it. It will keep evolving as it evolved from a hum into a song, perhaps a symphony, as I'm lacking harmony. Will the song become so loud that it finally resonates with that of others similarly free?
I only feel that I must be about to reach some sort of conclusion, that I've reached some limit that I'm pushing against and which must at some point break as I keep growing, or will otherwise stunt me forever. Why is it so hard for me to break it as I have broken everything that limited me? Just what is it that I am growing beyond? It seems like I've already dealt with everything in my life, within and without, that limited me. What can still be missing? Perhaps it's myself that I must now outgrow, and I must treat the entire universe in the same way as I treat my mind, as if it were all in my mind.
As I desire every experience I would desire every action, weren't it that many actions deprive of experiences. And so I'm cautious, and weigh every possibility against every other until I can take it no more and combine them all into one, treating everyone and everything as if they were the same as I, as if they too could channel any energy coming their way.
When an emotion comes my way, I let it dance around my mind, just as if a force comes at a martial artist, they would let it dance around their body. I can punch another's mind, in contempt for anyone who cannot dance, but I cannot punch another's body without fearing to cause them harm. Perhaps even my honesty is causing harm in the same way, and I do not realise it because I expect them to be able to dance. But I don't know my own strength, don't know what hurts them, and it's impossible for me to know, so either I express nothing or express everything, so I express everything to no one. If I were to live as myself in the real world as I do inside my mind, what would happen? Would I end up in jail? Perhaps there has to be some collateral damage.
Or have I already done so, and has nothing happened because there is nothing there? I've done so many things, without holding back, as soon as I thought it I did it, until I got lost, but still I kept going… but I lost everyone else along the way. Perhaps there is simply nothing there. Again the void confronts me with its riddle: what now? I can do whatever I want, but what do I want? What has this world to give me that has any value? I already have freedom, it's the one thing I wanted: freedom to be myself. Now no one can take it away from me, because I've made the choice to be myself no matter what. But what do I want to do with that freedom? Freedom is limited as long as I'm the only one set free: there is only so much that can be done alone. I must find my kin. There is no other way I can go on any further. I try and try… but the waiting, to know if this time, my trial has succeeded! I can't stand it.