Nihilitarianism

I found someone who does understand me, and I'll be moving in with her in Australia in two weeks. And even now I find that I'm still madly in love with S. I can see now what she sees in polyamory. We’re never alone because we’re always deeply connected with ourselves, but it’s hard to get excited about that, and L feels like that too, so close to me that she’s like a part of me. She makes me feel peaceful, but it’s in conflict that we find excitement. We told each other we’re looking forward to our first fight but I can’t think of what we could possibly fight about. S always looked peaceful when she was with you too. You must’ve asked yourself at some point if you just weren’t enough for her, but it’s more like you’re too perfect. I must admit that I was looking for soulmates in you at one point, because I needed that so much that I couldn’t focus on anything else.
I've been discussing it a lot with my ex, and she thinks passion and tenderness are irreconcilable. I don't want to believe that but I have to say it's always been my experience: the farther away a woman was from me, the more I wanted her and the other way around. Passion is desire and when a desire is fulfilled, it's gone. I'm able to feel a lot more with L but less about her than I do about S. When people share a sexual connection it's with each other, but when they share a spiritual connection it's one they have together with something outside of either of them, with the universe, the infinitely large rather than the personal.
There has to be a way to combine the two. At one point, Tantra and Taoism succeeded in doing so. Perhaps when spirituality and sexuality become intense enough they find each other, like red and blue into purple, a color that's actually on the other side of the spectrum and yet still perceived as being in between. So what do they have in common? Perhaps it's mystery, and when we know that we know nothing, that we have no control over anything, not even how we ourselves will feel the very next moment, then another person will always be a mystery. If we can connect so totally that the other person becomes the universe, and the universe becomes that person, spirituality and sexuality become one and the same, the worship of a god or goddess.
I think it's an appreciation of the mystery in everything and everyone that makes it possible to remain passionate about someone seemingly familiar. We don't know what we'll feel the next moment, who we will be the next moment, because the mind is the most complex, chaotic thing in the universe. When neither of you is resisting that flux, you're always rediscovering each other as if you're still strangers. I think S understands this better than either of us on an intuitive level, but I don't think she does on a rational level. I thought what she called her "manipulativeness" is just that ambiguity, the constant cycle of positive and negative that most people would see as "leading on". And I'm sure my saying that wasn't why we broke off contact. I feel like that was itself part of the flux, the next stage in our evolution. The past year has been the most transitional of my life and I think she was in a transition too, and we'd just have been in each other's way. I think we both knew that deep down, even if we didn't know why. L understands that ambiguity too. We've been in turns warning each other that we are too close and, because of that, feel distant because we can't have each other, until we get flirtatious again.