Nihilitarianism

For many years now I've never really been close to suicide and yet it's not something that's gone from my life. But the thing is, once you accept an emotion, let it into the mix, its hue becomes more nuanced until it is no longer recognizable as the original primary color. Little by little suicide has become integrated as part of my life. It's become a lifestyle. Whenever I get to a point where I can't seem to go any further in my life, I call upon that defiance of having nothing left to lose and take risks, endanger my life I must… and the more desperate I become the greater the risks I'll take, up to a point that I might as well give it everything I've got before dying, kamikaze into that locked door until my bones break, because if I'm to die in this cell it might as well be now. But I won't go down easily. I'll fight with everything I've got and lose my every limb in the battle before I bite the dust. I'll never surrender no matter how outnumbered, because I fear a life of apathy more than death. I will turn against everything that stands in my way long before I turn upon myself, and if my self ever stands in my way, then at least I'll have a good death, a death in which I can fight to ease the pain, one which makes me want to live. For a doomed man all means are allowed, because failure to be free is death and annuls any loss I've suffered in my attempts to live. I'll take a gamble, break the rules, lie, cheat, threaten, get cryopreserved — death makes anything possible. Just let me step into the darkness: if I don't walk off a ledge, I'll keep going, and if I do, what of it, I'll die anyway. Yes, life would be boring without suicide. If my life becomes boring it's because I haven't yet gone far enough. I need to die more often.